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The listings for the Kennedy Center in Washington highlights a lighthearted dual-language show and an ad-libbed Shakespeare company. Notably absent from the advertised line-up is this week's Geopolitics World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively closed-door event. Organizers appear determined to prevent any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what threatens to be an drawn-out, self-aggrandizing ceremony where well-paid luminaries will undoubtedly repeat the tired platitude that "football unites the world."

An A-List Hosting Team

The lavish ceremony is due to be emceed by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be American football legend Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Together, they will preside over a production that will undoubtedly have English football fans nostalgic for yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, FA officials, the FA tombola and a trusty velvet bag of simple, lottery balls.

Set to last almost three torturous hours, the event will include a seemingly endless playlist of lengthy speeches, saccharine video montages, approved jokes, famous faces, musical turns from acts with perhaps no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Ceremony Duty

Among those tasked with carrying out the draw? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, deep well of charisma exhibited by these ageing sporting icons, short of an armed security team crashing the event, it's difficult to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the insensitive justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging offered by an overly deferential spokesperson is any sort of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the reply was non-committal. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the comment. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that high prices are justified when compared with other high-end items.

The Main Event

With over forty teams already secured a place for next summer's jamboree and six more due to join, there will be a genuine feeling of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw begins. But as fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their particular country will play in the group stages, the suspense will be nothing compared to that which precedes the reveal of the winner of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "individuals who help unite people in peace through steadfast commitment and notable deeds." Given that the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is mostly in the US, guesses about the recipient are ripe, though the hints are there.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a real open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager with a team on a five-match losing streak, offering a textbook remark likely to be revisited if/when changes occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Regarding the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an additional song?"