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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.